Below is a detailed summary of the services provided and the corresponding fees.
At first I thought it was a joke, a rather strange attempt at humor that didn’t quite land. But after reading it, I almost felt like having another coffee this morning.
The supposed services he listed were completely absurd, which made me appreciate his gentlemanly charm in a whole new way.
Bouquet of roses: A
personalized keychain as a gift: A coffee meeting (arranged within one week)
Opening the car door: a cute group selfie.
Pull out a chair: Go hand in hand on your next date.
Interesting conversation and active listening: A compliment about my appearance
Full dinner + tip included: A second date without excuses.
For illustrative purposes only.
But the real catch, the part that made me realize he was serious about sending that invoice, was written in bold at the bottom.
Payment must be made in full. No refunds will be issued. Failure to pay may result in the outstanding balance being sent to a collection agency (Chris will be notified).
We expect prompt payment!
I was speechless.
It would be bad enough expecting financial compensation, but to also burden me with the necessary sensitivity and attention? Who does that?
I immediately took a screenshot of the invoice and sent it to Mia. Her response was quick.
“OH MY GOD! THIS IS WHAT I’M GOING TO TEACH CHRIS!”
“Is this real?” I replied. “Seriously!”
“Wait until Chris sees this. He’ll go crazy,” she replied.
Five minutes later, my phone rang.
It was Chris, laughing his head off.
“Kelly, I can’t believe it,” he replied. “I’ve known this guy for years and never, not once, did I think he’d do something so crazy.”
“So this isn’t a joke?” I asked.
“No way!” Chris replied. “Eric has always been a little… busy with his dates, but this is next level. Okay, we have to get revenge on this guy.”
Chris was a genius of meticulousness at the highest level.
Instead of simply criticizing Eric in the group chat, I was going to go a step further.
“I’m going to issue the same invoice,” he announced. “Same format, made-up legal jargon, absurd rates, everything the same.”
Service invoice – Amount due: A lifetime of silence.
Introducing a beautiful woman: 1 permanent block on all platforms.
Convincing her you’re a gentleman: A deep personal reflection on why you’re single
Letting her sit at the same table with you: A formal apology to all the women you’ve dated before.
Without exposing yourself to the entire internet: A generous gift you should be grateful for.
Payment is due immediately. Failure to pay could result in public humiliation. Best regards.
“This is perfect!” I wrote to him. “Send it!”
“Forwarded!” he replied a moment later.
For illustrative purposes only
. Shortly after, my phone was flooded with a series of increasingly angry messages from Eric.
“Wow, how ripe!”
“I was just trying to set realistic expectations; not everyone is rich.”
“Chris is a terrible friend.”
“You missed out on a GREAT guy.”
I didn’t bother getting into an argument. What could I say to someone who believed human interaction was based on transactions? I simply sent a thumbs-up emoji and blocked their number.
Mia called me later that night, still laughing about the whole thing.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “Honestly, I thought it was normal. Chris didn’t realize it was normal either.”
“Don’t worry,” I said, surprising myself with how relaxed I felt. “At least we all have a good story to tell.”
“That’s right,” he agreed. “That will be officially repeated at every party for the next decade.”
This whole incident taught me a golden rule for dating: if a guy insists on paying, make sure he doesn’t send you a bill afterward.
And what about the keychain? I kept it. Not because it reminded me of Eric, but because it was a nice memento of the most extraordinary day of my life
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